Speaking to Children About Divorce

Divorce can feel like an overwhelming topic to address with children.

Sometimes we all get caught up in the lows and the emotions of divorce and inadvertently tell our children more than we should about what is going on between mum and dad during the divorce. We are all guilty of it at different times even in general life. 

Really, children just need to know what is going to affect them and what is going to affect their life. The children do not want to know all the awful details of what is going on between their parents. They do not want to know that mum or dad refused to pay for something; that it is costing mum and dad a huge amount of money over legal fees; that one parent was in a relationship before the end of their parent's marriage. Children just want to feel loved by both parents and have as calm a life as possible whilst their parents weather the storm of divorce.

When announcing the separation, do agree about what the children will be told in a way that does not invite them to take sides. If possible, tell the children together. Practice what you are going to say so you reduce the chance of any emotional load landing on them.  This is a time to really try to control any distress, anger or bitterness you might be feeling.  You do not have to pretend you are happy or pleased about the situation, but you should try and apply adult restraint.

Avoid any blaming language and tell them that this is an adult marriage problem, not a children and family problem.  Make it very clear that you both love them and the separation has nothing to do with anything they have done. It is NOT their fault.  Then explain openly and truthfully what is going to happen moving forward. 

Of course, you are still allowed to feel what you feel. If you are feeling distressed and you need to vent and speak with someone, reach out to trusted friends, a counsellor or a divorce coach who can help you move forward during these stressful times.

What the Children SHOULD Know

• That both parents love them and the divorce is not their fault.
• What the plan is for them.
• When the divorce is final.
• How to best reach both parents at all times.
• If there is a plan for either parent to remarry.
• If a parent has an addiction or mental health disorder.

What Children SHOULD NOT Know      

• If a parent has been unfaithful.
• Anything about mediation or court proceedings unless there has been a decision that directly impacts their lives.
• The financial details and/or money worries.
• Negative things one parent feels about the other parent.
• All the reasons behind the divorce
• Negative feelings about new significant others.

If you would like to discover how SOS Success can support and help you navigate your personal journey moving forward, contact kelly@sossuccessltd.co.nz for a complimentary discovery session.