Men, Divorce & Grief

As a child of divorce, raised as a teenager by my father, I am acutely aware of the effect divorce has on men emotionally and on their essential role as fathers. 

Statistics show that women are much more likely to initiate divorce than men. That shock and wave of emotions can hit like a tsunami leaving men unprepared for the next steps they need to take.

Cultural norms can make divorce extremely complicated for men and challenging to overcome.  Society tells us that men just need to “suck it up” and “be a man”.  The harmful notion to hide or avoid any expression of their feelings causes a lot of men to turn towards destructive habits that completely derail their divorce recovery.

As a divorce coach, I frequently work with men whose partners have left them. They are often surprised by the level of anguish they experience.  Unfortunately, it is not uncommon to hear men say that they have thought of suicide, usually for the first time in their lives.

While few men have extreme reactions (such as violence), others engage in unhelpful coping strategies including isolation, substance abuse, frantic seeking of a replacement partner, denial, and an unwillingness to share grief with friends and family.  Women also turn to these solutions, but less frequently as healthier options and responses are more readily acceptable and available to women.

While the culture is changing, it is still less acceptable for men to admit to feelings of fear, helplessness, sadness, grief, and anxiety. But all of these emotions are common and normal when relationships break down.  Several research studies have shown that divorce is the second most stressful life event behind only the death of a spouse.  The same stages of grief that accompany the loss of a loved one are also associated with divorce.  Although divorce can actually be a time of great personal growth and reinvention, it is still the death of a relationship and a familiar way of life.

If you are struggling with your divorce, it might be helpful to understand each of the stages of grief, consider what stage you currently find yourself in, and think about what steps you need to take to progress to the next ones.  A divorce coach can play a key role in easing men through this painful transition.  A coach can help with the transition to the next stage of their post-divorce life and, to healthily recover from the trauma of divorce.

Grief

The stages of grief are predictable but never easy. It is grief that men are trying to escape when they turn to alcohol, drugs or excessive activity in any area of their life, work or play. Including, rushing into a new relationship which means the healing never truly begins.  There are no shortcuts for grief.  If we try to escape it we end up prolonging our misery. The only way is to go through it.

Shock & Denial

In this stage, your emotions are numb. You are in disbelief over what has happened. It is common to deny the loss to try and avoid the pain you are certain to eventually feel.  Men are often surprised and think they feel nothing in the beginning but this early stage of protective anaesthesia turns into shock and alarm before too long.

Pain and Guilt

The shock eventually wears off and gives way to suffering and hurt.  This is when acute emotions arise to the surface.  Men may feel panic, depression, intense anxiety or anger or any combination of these emotions. During this difficult period, men can often suffer more than women because they are less likely to reveal their distress to others.

As excruciating as this stage is, it is important that men confront their emotions rather than bury them.  Do not hide from your sorrow or try to cope with drugs, alcohol, or dangerous behaviour.  Do talk to trusted friends and family who can offer objective advice and guidance. If you have friends who disliked your partner, it is best to filter what you tell them as they can keep you in a state where you harbour negative feelings. If trusted friends are few and far between, engage the services of a counsellor or a divorce coach who can give you objective advice.

Crying, nightmares, and great anxiety are all hallmarks of this stage of grief.  It is not unusual to remain preoccupied with the details of the separation, the problems of the relationship, and wondering what the other person is doing.  This obsessiveness can interfere with concentration, sleep and everyday function.

Anger 

Eventually, you move past the sadness and experience anger.  A man who is losing his partner may feel out of control of his life. Anger can be used as a tool to regain power. It can cause people to say or do things that hurt the people who rejected them or who are causing them pain.

Try to control this impulse otherwise, you risk permanently harming other important relationships in your life.  A great toll is taken when the anger leads to a more complicated high conflict divorce or when children are exposed to the toxicity of a parent’s hostility.

The longer a man stays angry, the longer it takes to accept the new reality and start making life better again. Anger and denial interfere with the ability to heal from the loss and, eventually, to form new relationships.  Anger also interferes with the ability to adapt and grow and accept their own role in the separation.

Depression, Reflection and Loneliness

A lot of people find this stage to be the most challenging and it often leads to withdrawal.  Family and friends are expecting you to start moving on with your life, but you are hit with long periods of sad reflection.  This period is often made worse for men who are spending time away from their children.

This is the stage when the true magnitude of loss starts to dawn on you and that can cause feelings of deep despair.  Sometimes, keeping to oneself, perhaps sleeping more than usual can give the grieving person the chance to recover.

However, while you may be tempted to close yourself off from others during this time completely, take time to make sure you are still moving forward.  To move forward means to accept the losses and to try and learn from them. This can often be a time of introspective reflection and personal growth.

The Upward Turn

Eventually, you will start having more good days than bad.  However, you are not fully out of the woods yet as certain triggers may leave you feeling like you are back at square one.

At this stage, your life will start to feel more organised and you will have begun to adjust to this new way of living. In addition to coping with the stress of the end of a relationship, men have to spend time finding themselves and figuring out who they are alone.  Men are much more likely than women to have few or no groups or activities, and they typically see themselves as half of a partnership. When they find themselves suddenly alone and missing their children, they don't know who they really are as an individual.  It is important for men to start to push themselves to try new things and meet new people, to find what will make them happy and hopeful moving forward.  

It is at this stage that men start to learn to be full-time Dad in less time spent with their children.  This can be a very challenging time but most see it as hugely rewarding.  Men often feel they become a better, more involved Father than they were before separation.

Reconstruction & Working Through

This is the stage where individuals start to make decisions and plans about their future without considering their ex-partner.  You start to set goals for yourself and even become excited about the direction your life is heading.  

Men who make the best adjustment will be those who work at making life richer, happier and more fulfilling.  What did I learn that will make the next phase of my life as good as possible? All relationships have lessons to teach both men and women. The challenge is to transform those lessons into growth that improves your future.

Acceptance & Hope

After the grief has passed there is the opportunity to make life happy and fulfilling, perhaps for the first time.  You have worked through your pain and negativity and found a way to accept your loss. This phase can be really exciting as you start to gain more energy and enthusiasm about your future prospects.  You can now look forward to a positive new post-divorce life.

A surprising statistic of divorce is that a majority of people feel their life has improved two years after divorce, even for those who did not make the decision to separate.

If you would like to discover how SOS Success can support and help you navigate your personal journey moving forward, contact kelly@sossuccessltd.co.nz for a complimentary discovery session.